On a Varnish which Imparts the Merriest Finish onto Ordinary Wood

Even the most ordinary wood may bear a striking and pleasurable finish. Here is a method for hot varnishing which does so.

Onto a Wood which has been thoroughly saturated with raw linseed oil, pour the following admixture. Since it is sparingly soluble, it may be set in the sun to dissolve. Otherwise, the Balsam of Peru will clump unto the Brush, looking like strandy diarrhoea, and appearing brown and nasty - reminiscent of Wanda Sykes.

1. One part ceresine wax, white.
2. One part Balsam of Peru
3. Three parts Terebinthine Oil (gum turpentine)
4. One part raw linseed oil.

A clothing iron should be obtained and dedicated to the workshop. Add water to it, and set it to the coolest temperature at which it will readily steam. Press the admixture into the wood, adding an occasional spritz of water from a spray bottle if necessary. The surface oil should sizzle merrily in the manner of cooking bacon, but should not discolor.

After the application has ceased, judged by the breadth of spread of the hot varnish, set aside the iron and allow the surface to cool for about one beer's worth of time. There will still be cooled oily liquid on the surface of the wood. Sand through this standing oil with 400 grit sandpaper until the surface is smooth. Wipe the surface with a clean dry cloth.

This will impart a most lovely range of browns, from yellows to deep mahogany, across the wood commensurate with the grain. The Balsam of Peru will impart a pleasant scent, reminiscent of a lovingly-cared-for violin.

(The warnings below also apply to this. Don't come running to me.)